Adult Jokes Sms -

Adult Jokes Sms

Adult Jokes Sms: Have a good sense of humor? A gift for wordplay? Or maybe you just love a good joke? In all those situations, our collection of adult jokes is always available at your service. A good adult joke can make people laugh and forget their worries, grievances, and sadness. Laughing has been proven to improve moods, reduce stress and even fight disease.

 

It was an everyday afternoon when I came home and saw my husband sitting in the living room with another woman. It was the maid. My husband calmly said, “Look Kathy, if I can’t have you, I’ll settle for second best.”

 

Adult Jokes Sms

 

  • When you don’t want to sign off a good night message but can’t think of anything else to say 😴😴

 

  • People are trying out their Halloween costumes early this year!’

 

  • A pineapple walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we don’t serve pineapples here.” The pineapple replies: “That’s ok. I’ll give you five bucks to let

 

  • I’m really into guys that post a lot of pictures of themselves on instagram. Not just selfies, but pictures of them doing random stuff. Real-life captions.

 

  • If you’re laughing alone, we’re laughing with you.

 

  • It’s okay, you can laugh. Just remember to breathe in between 🤣

 

  • Let’s get busy like Hanukkah and Christmas got together, ‘cuz the nights are long, but the days are shorter.

 

  • Thinking of you is easy, I do it all the time ❤️

 

  • When you borrow a friend’s Netflix and your queue is empty ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

  • I’m wondering if the three little bears were only sleeping to escape Goldilocks.

 

  • When a girl says ‘what?’ it really means ‘I hear you.’

 

  • “If you are what you eat, I’m cheap, fast, and easy.”

 

  • I’m ______ at work.

 

  • Just a reminder to let you know that the first gym opened in 1953, which means working out isn’t a new invention. 😜👍

 

  • Today at work, we had an office-wide secret santa gift exchange. I got you for my secret santa and when I tried to give you your gift, you told me that you didn’t like your gifts 🎁.

 

  • Hangin’ with these two is like hangin’ with my boys #WhenYouNeedAFriend.

 

  • Play like a kid today.

 

  • If the shoe fits 🤡😏

 

  • Anyone who didn’t drink yesterday, raise your hand. See ya next month…

 

  • #nofilter *shudders* 💦

 

  • Today, I saw a UPS driver put something really big in his van. No idea what was inside the box but it couldn’t be good! Haha

 

  • What’s the difference between men and women?

 

  • Today I lay in bed with you on my mind. Tomorrow I will be laying next to you again.

 

  • This is why we can’t have nice things…

 

  • Don’t trust anyone who doesn’t drink. Especially those who say they don’t drink.

 

  • I’m excited about this new attachment on my drill. Wish I could show you, but it’s cordless.

 

  • Remember when you used to watch ‘Rugrats’ and think that Tommy was just trying too hard to be cool 🤦🏽‍♂️

 

  • I’m a grown-up now. I can eat breakfast food for supper. And drive a car…

 

  • If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit next to me. 😮

 

  • When you ask your husband to throw out your tampon and he accidentally throw it out the window.😹 #tampontoss”

 

  • I don’t always drink beer 🍺 _ but when I do, it’s blonde…🍻

 

  • The number of times I’ve said “LOL” today is unbelievable.

 

  • Roses are red, violets are blue. Here’s a flower for you and another one for you. Oh wait, these aren’t the right kind of flowers 😀

 

  • Periodically over the next few days, you’ll have to reassure your friends that yes, you are alive. Yes, you are okay. No, there is no apocalyptic scenario unfolding. It’s just your first week of college

 

  • First the coffee, then the punching…

 

  • If Obama gets elected, it is going to ruin Halloween for everyone.

 

  • Always be excited about the future, because you have no idea what happens.

 

  • When you reached the top, you’re the only one who can begin to climb down.

 

  • Marilyn Monroe once quipped, “If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.” I’m sure that applies to boys too.😎

 

  • For your information, “jazz hands” are how adults clap 👏🏻 (Why jazz hands? Discuss.)

 

  • What do you call a  guy who keeps talking about his ex?  A baby daddy.

 

  • Just another day on the lake with the boys.

 

  • _ _ _ _ O _ _ _ B -_=++=++=-o-

 

  • When it comes to staying undefeated I’ve always put in the work, but what I’ve never done is go The Full Monty.

 

  • Imagine a world without men. No crime and lots of happy fat women.

 

  • An Irishman walks in to a bar and asks for two beers. He drinks them both, then he asks the bartender for two more. The bartender says, “You know, I don’t think you should be drinking much more.

 

  • When you hear the word “Milkshake”, you can’t help but think of our big, round, milkshakes that are made with premium ingredients.

 

  • When you take away the part of my day I spend on Facebook, what really is my reason for living?

 

  • What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

 

  • There’s a big difference between being big-hearted and being a generous tipper.

 

  • You can’t control everything. But you can tip the scales in your favor with the right amount of positive thinking. Or, in this case, zero-gravity reclining chairs. 😎

 

  • Practice makes perfect.

 

  • More sms status

 

  • Stairway to heaven. Stairway to pun. Stairway to heaven. Stairway up your knowledge of adult jokes

 

  • We like to keep our marketing clean and friendly while keeping it fresh and current. Here’s some good old fashioned humor while we’re at it.

 

  • Woman are something that was created to irritate/men when they don’t have anything else to think about.

 

  • I just got back from the future. And I have good news for us all 😜

 

  • The best part of waking up is a summer bod 👙🍠& a piping hot cup of coffee.⁣

 

  • Tonight’s forecast calls for… looking up to see what I can find 😏😂

 

  • So my wife’s cooking me dinner tonight. I’ll be honest, I’m a little nervous. Last time, she tried to serve me a bowl of alphabet soup… with a spoon.

 

  • Can you do me a solid? Throw this birthday party for me. Don’t mind if I… uh… *burp* nap during your speech.

 

  • Gonna start this Sunday with a J?

 

  • How do you know the Earth is really round? Because I just dropped a round pencil and it’s not around. 😏

 

  • If you don’t laugh every day, you aren’t really living.

 

  • I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect. So I am perfect!

 

  • Time to suit up. Merry Christmas!

 

  • When you say I’m looking for a woman…

 

  • Me: Who’s that girl? She’s cute.

 

  • The three most powerful words for an adult:

 

  • You’re my favorite package to open in the mail. 😛📦☺

 

  • If your laugh is louder than your personality, you might want to work it down a notch.”― Andy Rooney

 

  • This is why we can’t have nice things… 「🍭」 😜😜

 

  • Those “comedy” classes were a waste of time — you’ve always been the funniest around.

 

  • Hey girl, you look beautiful today.

 

  • “Nothing beats the comfort of being sad and drinking alone.” —Me

 

  • We’ve all been there…

 

  • I think about this moment a lot… I didn’t have a white dress so I bought a cake, and I wanted it to be a surprise so I ate without saying a word. I don’t know why everyone thought I was

 

  • A little bit of mint goes a long way.

 

  • I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested.

 

  • When you gotta pass a test, the only way to ace it is with a great tutor. Before you head in tomorrow, make sure your brain is in peak form with a cup of Dapper Coffee.

 

  • Halloween costumes aren’t the only thing that comes in three this year. #adultjokes

 

  • I search about 8000 Jokes in 3G network in 10 minutes.

 

  • When your friends aren’t interested in the fire pit, they move on to other activities…

 

  • lol

 

  • When someone asks if you’re a model, say “yes, but not the kind who shows up late to shoots.” #FunnyJoke 😍

 

  • What happens when you take your ID to Target? You get ID-ed! COFFEE TIME

 

  • She said she wanted space… That’s why her towel was on the floor )) 😅

 

  • How about that new season of Game of Thrones, eh?

 

  • Someone forgot their headphones.

 

  • Imagine how good you’ll feel after abstaining from the bad stuff. That’s how good our cleanse makes you feel.

 

  • Very funny jokes about family , wife , girlfriend and all .

 

  • Being my dad is such a great role to play. 🐶😜😍

 

  • We’ve all been there—that moment when a joke is so terrible it’s actually funny. swipe up to see more jokes from this week’s “i can’t even” list 🤦🏼

 

  • Here’s to all the people you like to do it with ☺️

 

  • While clothes make the man, nudity makes the *man* look better.

 

  • This just in: 40 is the new 21.

 

  • Am I sure we’re related? 😳

 

  • You’re a little bit punk, a little bit sweet, and a whole lot of Indie spirit. Spread the love.

 

  • Dad, why is Mom so mean to me?

 

  • I love a good pun, especially when I’m the only one that gets it.

 

  • This caption was brought to you by the letter “D” and the number “69.”

 

  • A man, stranded on a desert island, was desperately wondering how to signal for help. He found a lamp and rubbed it vigorously.

 

  • If you love something, set it free. Unless it’s a tiger! 🙂

 

  • Anyone who says the pen is mightier than the sword has never encountered a writer in a martial arts duel.

 

  • Sometimes I feel like im talking to myself……….’Cause no one else is listening. Funny SMS Collection

 

  • She just wanted some milk for her cereal, not boner milk.

 

  • Best Tinder pickup line: Wanna go to a waterpark?

 

  • Do you like to laugh?

 

  • Just spent all my money on alcohol, now i’m broke. Ok bye  🍻

 

  • We had so many laughs the day we made this one. Hahahahaha…LOL!

 

  • Being bored is my favorite.

 

  • Don’t give me a reason to use these memes.

 

  • What do you do for an encore after a solid #1 hit? You rerelease it as a remix.

 

  • Just another Sunday morning. #NothingToSeeHereNowMoveAlong

 

  • So there I was at the tennis club, complaining to my friend Eric about all the times I had been screwed by life. “Life isn’t fair”, I said.

 

  • When the going gets tough, you have to go to church. 😜

 

  • I have a development comedy show on FX. It’s called How to Get Away with Murder. It’s about this college professor who teaches 1L students how to get away with murder. Then there ‘s this law student who just got out of jail

 

  • What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home ##

 

  • It’s #NationalUnderwearDay and we know what we’re doing 👙

 

  • Don’t forget to floss. Up Next: Happy National Flossing Day! #NationalFlossingDay

 

  • I asked for a zombie, and the barista gave me a Miami Zombie Roast… So I had to try it before I complained. 🙄

 

  • Are we still friends? I mean, you’re still here. So I hope so.

 

  • All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

 

  • All work and no play makes jack a dull boy. That’s why I decided to put my job on shaker tonight… shaker, shake, shake it up baby 🎉

 

  • Confession: I like to wear my boyfriend’s clothes.

 

  • I’m pro-breastfeeding, but I draw the line at public breastfeeding. The same way I draw lines for public butt-crack showing.

 

  • “Why did the chicken cross the road?” The chickens were too embarrassed to get into that school bus.

 

  • The best part of waking up is ________ in your cup.

 

  • Is this adult jokes sms to your satisfaction?

 

  • Like a fine wine, adults only get better with age.’ Are you ready to celebrate with us? #Adulting #Over30 #Birthday

 

  • Your smile is my homepage..

 

  • Smile and the world smiles with you 😊☺️

 

  • Oh Lord, Send help I’m losing my mind. I think I should be in bed with someone like you instead of this stack of paper work 😊❤️

 

  • The most beautiful thing about winter is your smile. ❄️

 

  • The only thing better than pizza is free pizza, right?

 

  • Heaven is the place where you are. Here is my holiday card to everyone – enjoy!”

 

  • Lightning + Buns =💥☔️

 

  • “What’s the difference between pirates and cows? Pirates say “arrrrr” and cows say, Moo.”

 

  • Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

 

  • She said, “David, I want a divorce.” He said, “I don’t want a divorce, honey. I no longer have a headache.”

 

  • If you’re having a bad hair day, just remember it could be worse. You could have a job!

 

  • Why is the keyboard called a typewriter?

 

  • We’re here for all your middle school reunion needs! Come see us at the 5 th – grade soccer game today ✌❤️💍

 

  • HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! #dadjokes

 

  • One important thing i have learned from my father is to surround yourself with people that you love because life will get really tough and having a nice family makes it easy for us to deal with the things we cant .Just remeber that your parents are

 

  • Pizza is my favorite food group ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

  • You know you’re living too long when your 100 year old birthday cake is now only worth $1.04 on ebay

 

  • Dumb Ways to Die 2: The Games comes out Friday. In Dumb Ways to Die 3, you’re the one dying.

 

  • She’s so hot she has two shades: Burning and Coolidge.

 

  • Why is the guy in the infomercial eating a frozen pizza? Because you can’t put a price on happiness 🍕

 

  • What do you call a daddy long-legs that knows karate?

 

  • My dad is so stupid. He built our house on Diablo II.

 

  • Summer showers bring not only the promise of growth but also the most annoying type of growth—unwanted hair. 💩

 

  • I’m no math whiz, but I’m pretty sure if you ask three ex-girlfriends, you’re gonna get four different answers.

 

  • Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling very well. 🙂

 

  • Today’s forecast calls for 👉🏻👈🏻, so it’s time to break out the 👧🏼👴🏼.

 

  • Hey gang, weekend’s almost here! Throw on your pajamas, pour some hot chocolate, and break out this week’s hilarious sms collection 😂😂😂

 

  • Last night, my wife asked me if I remembered the first time we met. I said “How could I forget? That was the night that you ordered me to take off my clothes

 

  • So I’m pretty proud of myself because my wife just found out I have a phone.

 

  • We like to keep things clean around here. Keep it clean, keep it classy.

 

  • Things are getting serious.

 

  • What’s the difference between a pizza and a man? A pizza can feed a family of four.

 

  • It’s not delivery. It’s di-vine.

 

  • Two pens walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

 

  • A groomer’s gotta do what a groomer’s gotta do—and that includes the occasional manicure.

 

  • My friends see me as a slayer of dragons, a crusher of ice, a conqueror of worlds. Sometimes I think they give me too much credit.

 

  • What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator.

 

  • LIVE LIFE NOW… because yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it’s called The Present.

 

  • Are you ready for some football? 😏

 

  • You’ve got the whole world in the palm of your hand when you are eating these hot wings. 😍

 

  • Two hands, one mouth. You do the math. 😜

 

  • Why watch the big game with a large group of people if you can spend it watching The Godfather by yourself?

 

  • Bikini season is in full swing and if you don’t like it, have a seat

 

  • Saw a billboard today that had a quote from Plato. He said, “Go West, young man” haha I don’t think he meant literally though!

 

  • I am a midnight snacker of sorts, which is why I’m always commenting on your posts about what you ate for dinner.

 

  • You’re smarter than your average bear.

 

  • Lucy, you got some ‘splainin to do’.

 

  • Good friends are like stars—you don’t always see them, but you know they’re always there. #mondaymotivation

 

  • Every day is leg day #squatslife

 

  • If you want to hear a

 

  • Just because someone else doesn’t value you doesn’t mean you aren’t valuable.” – @Your Motivational Quotes

 

  • A mother’s love knows no bounds”. It also knows no age😜😂❤

 

  • Not sure if this is an actual pharmacy company, but it came up during my search on Instagram for pharmacy-related captions.

 

  • Aww snap! Seems like you got stuck with… 😎

 

  • Banana 🍌=🍉

 

  • How do we want to be graded today — nude or clothed?

 

  • So people keep interrupting you while you’re watching a movie? Try practicing some appropriate hand gestures; re-enact the movie, but substitute their faces with your hand.

 

  • What is the difference between men and women?

 

  • Two podcasts walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry. We don’t serve podcasts here.”

 

  • That’s the difference between #men and #women. Men need 3 things. Food. Sleep. Football. Women need 15!

 

  • What do you call a bear with no ears? – No idea. What? – Borenore! 😛

 

  • Wow, I finally got a workout by walking home from school today.

 

  • Your mind is racing, your heart is pounding. Yes. It’s 2 a.m., you’re still in bed, and you realise how hungry you are… for knowledge!

 

  • “My old man said, “Son,heroin is a hell of a drug.” Just last week, he overdosed on painkillers.” (Burt Macklin)

 

  • Dad Jokes are the longest running comedy act the world has ever seen.

 

  • ( ( ( Click click! I heard you like clicks, so we put a button on it! ) ) )

 

  • Ahhh nothing like a good giggle to start your day.

 

  • I know what you did in the bathroom last summer. 💧

 

  • How many does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but it may take a while…✔

 

  • I didn’t mean to start a food fight—I was hungry 😭

 

  • FAMILY QUIZ: How messed up is your family?

 

  • I texted my mom that I was in love with a woman―she texted back, “She’s in 4A.”

 

  • Happy July 4th! May all your shots be long and your hotdogs be out of buns.

 

  • Here’s to boozy brunches, fiery flicks and s’mores toast…toast 🍷🍰🍎🥓❄️

 

  • You laugh because it’s all you can do.

 

  • Excuse me if I’m staring, but you seem to be a rare and very beautiful snowflake.

 

  • How do you embarrass a ninja? Throw eggs at him.

 

  • Women need encouragement, not criticism. I’m always amazed at what you can accomplish if you don’t care who gets the credit. – Madeleine Albright

 

  • I can’t wait until Instagram let us upload a video of a video. #mycartoonistlife

 

  • Hey buddy. You’re cute and all, but you don’t know how to treat a woman right! The end.

 

  • The perfect gift for that special babygirl 🎁☺️

 

  • I believe if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

 

  • I hate it when I look desperately though Facebook and can’t find anyone moderately attractive to flirt with.

 

  • Test your friends’ humor with some top-notch one-liners about the news.

 

  • All great things come in threes: the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost; blonds…and jokes about blondes.

 

  • What’s the difference between a barber and a trampoline? Anyone can jump on a trampoline.

 

  • I wake up with a smile on my face! It’s not because of you.

 

  • ☪ *A: What’s the proper way to eat pizza?

 

  • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

 

  • It’s always funny until someone loses their pants.

 

  • Been there, done that? We live for those moments of natural spontaneity. Let’s celebrate the best ‘I forgot my keys’ excuses yet—by smoothing things over with a cold, refreshing beer 🍻

 

  • When you’re not hungry and it’s bedtime, but your mom asks if you want a snack anyway. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #Adulting

 

  • Wanna hear a joke? Just tickle my fancy. ………………ha ha ha 😉😇😅

 

  • Hey, girl. I thought we had something special. I guess it was special alright…special delivery 😉

 

  • Why did I walk out of there crying?  Because the cashier was so hot, she gave me a Happy Meal  -_-  #wishlist

 

  • I swear these stars are laughing at us ‼️

 

  • Did you hear about the cannibal who ate a clown? He thought it tasted funny.

 

  • Apparently, I’m the only one who finds puns funny.

 

  • ♥ < 3

 

  • Woke up this morning with that #FridayFeeling.

 

  • I am a feminist, I believe in women’s rights, and I think #metoo is a total crock of shit.

 

  • When you’re on a thrill ride and the safety bar comes down.

 

  • Your favorite kind of tired: the kind of tired you’re proud to be.

 

  • “To be really good at golf, you have to study the art of missing putts.”

 

  • Bae: When will I see you again? Me: Hopefully never 😉

 

  • A girl asked a boy, “How will you remember me in your future?” The boy replied, “I will never forget you. I will always be Big and Ugly for you.”

 

  • What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman? ☕️☀️ A microwave doesn’t whine when you open the door.

 

  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Ellen DeGeneres😎

 

  • A: I hear your girlfriend got pregnant? B: Not yet.

 

  • A little bit of laughing at things you once thought were funny but aren’t anymore is a good thing for the soul.

 

  • When all else fails, there’s always alcohol.

 

  • It’s time to get ready for some fun. And what more fun than Pi(e) day along with you good friends, your good clothes and your good hair!

 

  • When teachers ask me what I want to be when I grow up, my normal response is a unicorn or a teacher.

 

  • Why did the chicken cross the road? To surprise its mother.

 

  • If you have a clock that strikes 13 times, every half hour, every hour, you have a digital watch.

 

  • Q: What is the similarity between a cat and a woman? A: Both turn around if you toss them on the floor.😜

 

  • Hello, 911? I’d like to report a stolen laughing fit…

 

  • Last day of summer, don’t let it get away 🍂.

 

  • When I grow up, I want to be a stay at home cat.

 

  • What happened when your wife ran out of excuses to get away from you?

 

  • Get bouffetty with this bouffant bouquet. –The Bouffetty Bachelor

 

  • If you remember the sixties, you weren’t there.

 

  • The only part of my anatomy interested in this whole thing was my lower back. #vertigolistening

 

  • If you’re up all night to get lucky, we’re up all night to get things done. The Longest Night Starts Now.

 

  • A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

 

  • I just got an A on my report card! I must have done a really magical thing because all the fabric animals in the yard follow me around. This grown-up life is going to be so magical!

 

  • Your bae keeps you warm at night, but also does it stand in front of an open flame?

 

  • It only took four years to graduate. What’s your excuse? 👩‍👧‍👦🥂

 

  • There’s no place like home.

 

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